"Will There Be Someone to Get Me to Church?"
My mom is a caring, loving mom and grandma. I remember talking to her daily and her many, many, many little surprises for my boys back when they were young. She was never frightened or put off by caring for our Alex who had a crazy, complicated special diet and physical challenges from almost birth due to a rare metabolic disease. She was a “go to” baby sitter who helped my husband and me have date nights and weekends away. Without her, we would have lived a very different life as a young family.
My mom is a woman of faith. Her and my dad’s example helped form my own faith development. She was raised in a deeply devout home. So it has been a core value for 80+ years. Today it is one of 2 things that is stuck in her mind when all other things slip out like water in a sieve. She never forgets to pray at meals and her one focus for each week is when it will be Sunday and then, “Will there be someone to get me to church?”
At the end of May, we brought my mom, Joyce, to live with us. About a year ago, we noticed hygiene changes, an inability to remember to change her clothes daily, forgetfulness with regard to eating and not being able to tell us about daily activity. While we have been taking care of laundry, finances, cleaning and bringing her prepared meals for the last 10 years, in the last year, we noticed an almost instant loss of memory after any given experience. My mom was still able to follow basic routines, knew we would pick her up for church and could call us on the phone.
In May, we noticed that was no longer true. Her food was untouched in her refrigerator when I visited for my midweek cleaning. I brought her home on some kind of ruse so that we could observe her. Within 2 days she didn’t recognize us and was very confused about where she was…a place that while it wasn’t her home, she had spent countless hours in. After being checked out by the doctor to rule out any medical cause, we settled into a new reality with mom. This would be her home while we figured things out. She stabilized and seemed to remember us more, but it was foggy and fleeting. She wasn't able to remember what she did just a moment ago.
Our lives became much more scheduled and tighter to home. I couldn’t be gone more than a couple of hours. Someone had to be there to give her meals and medicines. Showering was a scary event. My mom did a lot of sitting, she wasn’t engaged and I’m sure her days felt long. Living with two busy relatives like Ed and me probably didn’t feel much like home, no matter how we tried to provide things to occupy her failing mind.
Gratefully, we were able to find a place that despite a lot of obstacles with my mom’s finances, would take her into their care. When we got the call, we began the preparations and the labeling for the move that would happen within days. We had a chat about her “new apartment” that would let her meet new friends and have lots of activities. She was pleased, but had one repeated question. “Will there be someone to get me to church?”
In all of the things we described, her thought went to church. “Will I still be able to get to church” and “How will that happen”?
Whether her request was based on the repetition of that constant in her life for 84 years as a warrior against her dementia or her depth of faith makes no difference. At this stage in life where she appears to us as almost a different person than the mom I knew growing up and who my children and husband knew through their time with her as a part of our family, what she carries through each stage and transition of her life is her commitment to Christ and worshipping her God.
I know that dementia and Alzheimer’s patients are all so very different and many experience such different symptoms and losses and changes because of this disease. I know that my mom slipping gently away from the person I knew is a blessing compared to what other families must struggle with.
Throughout this transition, the question of what will be my core has surfaced and tugged on my heart. What will my sons remember about me whether I develop dementia or not? What one thing sings loud and clear and unchangingly from my heart and my being? What patterns and constants and values do I want to make a part of my life today that so that it sticks and is a part of who I am today, tomorrow and at the end of my life? What would you want that to be in your life?
