Overthinking
For most people, going to a restaurant is an enjoyable way to spend time. A dinner out, time with family or friends. Believe it or not, for me, it can also be exhausting. Why? Because I overthink everything and put a premium on things that don’t matter as much as I make them out to be.
In my mind, I want the perfect scenario. I want to choose the place where I’ll have the perfect meal. I can get to choosing the place easier than I can choose my food. My mind races as I browse the menu. Which dish will be best? I can often narrow it down, but can’t make a decision without input from the server or those around me. I need the best odds for the best meal. Beyond the deliberation of what I will choose, another factor is that someone else at the table might order one of the other things I was considering and theirs will be better than mine. I’ll be sad and disappointed.
My indecisiveness and my need to “adjust” the menu offerings to make the dish that, to my mind, is much more perfect, is joke among family and friends who dine out with us. I can recognize the humor and quirkiness of it, but I also feel the paralyzing effects that truly are there for me.
When I examined it with a therapist once, I described the enormous challenge of turning right or left during one experience of choosing which ice cream store to go to – each had its own features that I liked, one was more risky in flavor choice for their frozen yogurt. After I described the entire experience, my therapist looked at me and said, “I’m exhausted listening to it. I can’t imagine how you feel in the moment.” Hearing that and acknowledging the over the top truth about overthinking in my life has helped me dial down the importance of choosing a meal, but I still struggle with overthinking in other areas of my life.
Overthinking. The basic definition is to think about something too much or for too long. The definition is extended further in Webster’s dictionary: to put too much time into thinking about or analyzing (something) in a way that is more harmful than helpful.
In looking back at my restaurant story, in an effort to have a wonderful experience, I will overthink it to the point that it is more harmful than helpful. At a time when I should be enjoying myself and the people around me, I’ve let something grow in my head that harms that time and ultimately those relationships because the premium is on the perfect meal and trying to avoid the feelings of disappointment and sadness that truly do descend on me when the scenario doesn’t turn out right according to my mind’s eye.
I can certainly identify other areas of my life where overthinking has much more dire consequences than a restaurant meal. How about you? Once a friend shared this truth. Our mind is a very dangerous neighborhood, we should never go there alone. Wow! Think about that. Our mind is powerful and so is the enemy who is happy to pull us away from good, no matter how big or small.
The Urban dictionary takes the meaning a step further. When you overthink, you continuously think about something on your mind and the thought gets deeper and you start thinking about circumstances, events and possibilities that could be... in the end you find too many far out thoughts racing through your head. Overthinking truly can be immobilizing.
Overthinking shrinks your world to your thoughts and consumes your energy. What I have learned from the restaurant decisions to worrisome situations about my kids or other problems is that overthinking leads to inaction. Instead of thinking positively and moving on or taking a step to solve a problem, instead we stay in a place of inaction, even paralysis. I can share story after story of how I am unable to move when waiting for one of my sons to return a call. I start worrying about something and instead of occupying myself and staying positive, I overthink and get lost in that dangerous neighborhood. I truly stand still, unable to do much of anything other than looking at the phone, wandering around the house or sending another text.
Inflating the situation and obsessing leads to those “worst case scenario” thoughts that grip us. When the call I was waiting for comes, I tend to lead with frustration and anger rather than receiving the call from someone I care about with joy. The overthinking has me lead with a destructive edge. I’m sure my sons feel the fire and frustration coming through the phone. Sure there is balance to be had and they need to recognize the need for and respect shown by them being timely with returning calls, but my overthinking didn’t bring the call sooner, nor did it lead to a pleasant conversation – at least not at first.
When we engage in overthinking, we are going into ourselves and our humanness rather than reaching out in faith knowing that we aren’t alone. We say we shouldn’t worry, but saying it and truly believing that our obsessive thoughts and worry won’t control or change anything is a different story. Where is the trust we should have? The enemy is only too happy to watch us take hold of his ways and spin and spin and spin.
As a Christian, My life has provided more than a few examples of being an unbelieving believer. I love God, go to church, read the Bible, pray and talk about the blessings I’ve received in my life. I'm kind and try to show Christ's love throughout my days. But when it comes to trusting God in a stressful time, I tend to trust myself and my thinking first. I am better at getting to trust now than when I was younger, but I have to put my foot down with myself as my first thought is often worry. It is human, but not helpful. Through overthinking and then worry, I’m focusing on all I can’t control and spinning within myself hoping to change something that won’t be changed at all by my actions. The only thing I’m really doing is adding stress to my life and moving away from God and His love and peace. I can tell you, there is no peace even close to me as I feel my blood pressure rise in those time when I obsess.
Overthinking can lead to over-planning. While thinking and planning are not bad things, it is the “over” part that takes us in directions that may seem right, but may also get us stuck where we shouldn’t be. Over planning doesn’t allow us to be open to new opportunities or new perspectives. It shuts off our minds before God has a chance to show us where He’s leading. Once again, a win situation for the enemy.
Overthinking leads to sadness, fear, negative thinking and actually impairs problem solving. So, how can we overcome this tendency to overthink? Awareness is an important start. Recognizing when overthinking goes into high gear can help you bring it down.
When you notice yourself overthinking, say it to yourself. Remind yourself you don’t want to continue this practice and go do something else. Exercise, listen to music, read. Even give yourself a time limit to think about your situation and stick to it! Anything to move your mind away from the stresser that is causing the overthinking.
When I wake up in the middle of the night, I usually end up getting out of bed, going to the couch and turning on the TV pretty quickly. I give in to the idea that I'm going to think and sleep will not come back to me. I’m trying to stretch that time to allow myself to relearn going back to sleep without TV. I'm trying to train my mind to go to trust and peace mode rather than overthink mode. I’ve committed to praying before I get up. 10 minutes of prayer before TV. 10 minutes of prayer where I pour my heart out to Him and pray for others and not ask for me, me, me! My goal is an intentional step to put my mind on God and not on my stress or problem or inability to sleep. It is what we should do naturally, but we need training! Let me tell you, it works! Often in just a few minutes peace and calm cover me and I drift off to sleep in the middle of a prayer. That use to bother me. Falling asleep while praying is something Jesus mentioned in a not so happy way to his disciples in the Garden of Gethsemane and I'm doing it! In these sleepless nights of racing minds, I envision God is rocking me, holding me close as I talk to Him and he gently sets me down to sleep in His peace.
Funny thing is, when someone comes to me with concerns or to talk about a problem, I’m right there, calm, ready to pray, guiding toward movement to the exact steps I sometimes struggle with for myself. It isn't that the advice doesn't work for me. It is one in the same. I know it, believe it and grow more each time I have the chance to share. Human, but God asks us to be in relationship with Him. He wants us to get better at it and flourish. Human is a reason, but not an excuse to use over and over again.
When we overthink we hear too much of our own voice. We don’t leave much room to hear God’s voice. Find ways to be in the moment with God. Start your day by asking Him to help you think the way He wants you to. Ask God to help you see the day from His point of view, not yours. Find ways to center yourself throughout the day and put yourself back in the center of your relationship with God. Try closing your eyes and taking 3 deep breaths and reciting a Bible verse or quiet sentence prayer such as, “Father, thank you for loving me” with each breath. Perhaps as you wash your hands, watch the water intently and feel God’s peace wash over you for that minute. Pray instead. Find your centering plan and ways to be more mindful and less reactive. Live life in Him, confidently knowing you aren't alone, no matter what..
